NIST Special Publication 6669

2025-06-13 · parody satire metrology

National Standard for Poop Mass and Volume

💩 Metrology for Modern Times 💩

June 13, 2025 · Dr. Fae K. Almatter, Ph.D. · Prof. Di A. Rhea-Splatt, P.E.

DISCLAIMER — This is a parody, not an official work of the National Institute of Standards and Technology. Any resemblance to legitimate standards, living or dead, is purely coincidental and deeply regrettable. Wash your hands.

Abstract

This Special Publication (SP 6669) establishes the first comprehensive national reference for quantifying fecal deposits in terms of mass, volume, and comedic magnitude. It defines the Standard Poop Unit (SPU), presents rigorously unrigorous techniques for measuring fractional poops, and offers calibration guidance for bathroom scales that have witnessed unspeakable horrors.

1. Introduction

For centuries humanity has gazed into the porcelain abyss and muttered, “How much was that?!” Responding to this noble curiosity, we present a metrological framework nobody asked for but everybody deserves. This document harmonizes bathroom reality with NIST’s tradition of sober, peer-reviewed precision (and occasional gag reflex).

2. Definitions

3. Measurement Methodology

3.1 Mass Determination

1. Place a laboratory balance (or your roommate’s kitchen scale) beside the target receptacle.
2. Post-event, transfer the specimen using tongs and introspection.
3. Record mass in grams. Subtract the tare of any cling-ons.

(Tongs should be stainless steel; mental scars may be permanent.)

3.2 Volume Determination (Archimedes, but worse)

1. Fill a graduated cylinder with a known volume of water.
2. Gently submerge the specimen; record the displacement.
3. If it floats, either (a) see Section 4.2 on buoyancy-corrected density, or (b) call a gastroenterologist.

3.3 Consistency Grading (Bristol Alignment)

Compare the sample with the Bristol Stool Form Scale:

• Types 1–2 → fragments; adjust mass for crumble loss.
• Types 5–7 → splash factor may exceed 1; wear PPE.

4. Uncertainty and Calibration

Annual calibration is recommended using NIST-traceable synthetic brown Play-Doh pellets, conditioned at 37 °C and 100 % RH (seriously, don’t ask).

The combined standard uncertainty, u_c, for a domestic measurement is 2 g (mass) and 1 mL (volume) with coverage factor k = 2, provided the operator keeps a straight face.

5. Example Calculation

A sample reads 64 g on the balance and displaces 55 mL of water.

SPU     = 64 g ÷ 128 g/SPU  = 0.50 SPU
density = 64 g ÷ 55 mL      = 1.16 g/mL

The event is therefore classified as a Singular Nugget (½-Poop), comfortably within the We-Can-Still-Flush regime.

6. Conclusion and Future Work

Standardizing fecal metrics promises breakthroughs in diet tracking, sewer engineering, and extremely awkward dinner conversation. Ongoing research includes:

• The International Sticky Scale (ISS) for adhesion quantification.
• Automated multi-flush detection via smart-toilet IoT sensors (pray for the firmware engineer).

7. References

1. NIST Handbook 44-½, “Specifications, Tolerances, and Other Technical Requirements for Dropping a Deuce,” 2025.
2. Bristol Stool Chart, rev. 2024, “It’s a Spectrum.”
3. ISO/TS 12345:2025 — “Fecal Sample Packaging and Shipping” (in committee; therapy recommended).

Appendix A — SPU Conversion Table

End of NIST SP 6669

(Please dispose responsibly.)